Women Explain Why They Stayed In Abusive Relationships

Trigger warning: Descriptions of domestic violence.

“Why did she stay?”

It is one of the most common questions asked in reaction to cases of domestic violence. We want to know, “If things were so awful, why did not she leave?

And for people who have never experienced domestic violence at the hands of a partner, the question seems reasonable enough. But it’s not that simple.

The question is loaded with implications. What if someone stays with a person who hits them once, it’s their fault if they’re hit again. That the person being abused is deserving of the abuse because they don’t try to help themselves by getting out of the situation. That people who suffer from abusive relationships have the option to leave whenever they want.

But people who have experienced any of the many forms of domestic violence – physical, emotional, sexual, or psychological – know leaving an abusive relationship isn’t as straightforward as it seems.

For one thing, between 50 and 70 percent of domestic violence homicides happen when the abused partner tries to leave, or after they’ve already left. So often, women stay in violent relationships because it is actually safer than leaving.

In addition to this, many women do not even realize they are in abusive relationships, because the abuse itself is often masked as love.

Because asking someone why they did not leave a violent relationship is not only victim-blaming in its purest form, it also ignores the complicated nature of intimate partner violence.

To highlight just how problematic this question is, here are the reasons 9 women give for staying in abusive relationships…

1. It builds up slow

“When I was with my ex, the manipulation was so sneaky. He started slow. If I wanted to see my family or friends, he would say something like, “Ok, but I will miss you.” It came off as kind of sweet, but it was manipulation. It slowly built from there. I would go out for friends and he would tell me to have fun, but when I would come home, I would be met with “I really missed you. What did you guys do? Where did you go? Who was there?”

After a while, it became easier to not go anywhere and see my friends or family than deal with his guilt trips and endless questions. When my family and friends saw what was happening and talked to me about it, my ex would pin us against each other, so I ended up resenting my family for trying to break us up.

It is easy for someone who has never dealt with this to say “Well why did not you just leave him? but the way he did it was so sneaky. He acted as if he cared about me, and the well-being of our relationship, but he was just manipulating me. And on top of cutting me off from family and friends, he would throw insults and personal attacks into conversations with me.

A book: Divorcing A Narcissist And Other Jerks

This went on for years before the physical abuse even started. So by the time the hitting started, I was totally dependant on him. He was the only person I had. He was also a gaslighter. When I would get upset with him about the way he was treating me, he would say things like, “I just care about you. You have no reason to be upset. You are acting like a crazy person.” I ended up believing that I was wrong and that I should be grateful for the way he was treating me.

It was a very slow progression and I did not even realize what exactly was happening to me. It’s really hard to walk away from a situation like that when you’ve been made to feel utterly alone, like a crazy person who should be thankful someone loves you.

To this day, almost eight years since I left, he still has that power over me. I do not even know what a healthy relationship looks like anymore.

2. It’s not all bad

“People seem to think abusers are always abusive, but they are not. After all, you start dating that person for a reason. They’re not a monster all the time. Sometimes you’ll think, “this is it, I’m leaving,” and they turn around and do something incredibly sweet that makes you feel like you’re falling in love with them all over again. You weigh in your mind the good and the bad, and for some sick twisted reason, you decide that the good is worth staying for.”

3. You don’t believe they’re doing anything wrong

“My ex-boyfriend made me believe the sexual abuse was genuinely my fault because I didn’t display my love for him enough and as his girlfriend, I “owed” it to him. I’m by no means a shrinking violet, but he would act so wounded by my rejection, and add a combination of anger, sadness, pity, pleading and then outright abuse that in the end, I felt so awful for him that I would do whatever he had originally wanted. If someone had asked me at the time, I wouldn’t have thought I was in an abusive relationship, because I genuinely believed that I was the bad guy, not him.”

4. They manipulate you

“He made me feel like without him, I had no worth. He convinced me I did not mean anything to anyone if he was not in the picture. And he was sweet sometimes. When the good times came, they were great. He was wonderful. But when he was bad, I felt personally responsible because he blamed me for his actions. If I hadn’t said that, he wouldn’t have gotten so angry. If I hadn’t looked at him that way, he wouldn’t have made me cry, things like that.

In retrospect, I feel like an idiot for staying as long as I did, but at the time it made perfect sense. Why would I leave the only thing that gave me worth? I had nothing to offer the world without him. It is taken the longest year of my life to realize that I’m my own person and I‘m worthy, dammit. I am a stronger person because of it.

I stayed because it made me feel like I had a purpose, even if it was doomed from the beginning.”

5. You think it’s an accident

“I did not realize it was abusive until after the fact. At first, I thought it was “just an accident”, “he didn’t know his own strength.” It slowly went to “he didn’t think before he spoke”, “he was just frustrated,” and at one point it was “the cops misunderstood the situation.”

A book: Anxiety Disorders In Women – The Ultimate Resource Guide

6. You feel loved

“I couldn’t leave him because he was the only person who had ever told me he loved me. And when I say the only person, I mean ONLY – not my parents, not friends, or anyone. When you think you’re unlovable, you hold like all hell to the one person who does. There aren’t words for how it feels to have someone tell you that for the first time. As cheesy as it sounds, imagine you are drowning, and someone throws you a life raft. It’s like that.

And frankly, it felt like getting hit and strangled on a very occasional basis – once every few months – was a very small price to pay for that love. I felt like I had no family and when he told me, “That is okay. You can have mine,” it was a moment that hit me so hard, it still affects me, to this day when I remember it. And I did become a part of his family. I was welcomed in with cousins and brothers, and I had a community for the first time. No one had ever hugged me on a regular basis before. And he was the one who was there to help me anytime I was down. He was also crazy controlling, jealous, and occasionally violent.

It really was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, leaving him. One of the best decisions of my life, absolutely. But it was hard.”

7. You think it’s all your fault

“I have always been a sane and clear-minded individual, and I still managed to suffer from Stockholm Syndrome. I allowed myself to be beaten, raped, and my human rights taken away by a man who I did not think was smart enough to manipulate me in those ways. And I have gaps in memory from my abuse. The whole time, I remember thinking it was my fault. He made me feel like every ounce of it was my fault and my responsibility. He was confident, social, and charismatic. My friends sided with him, which even further solidified in my mind that it was just me.

Now that I’ve broken the cycle, I can look back on that time and realize how wrong it was. But you don’t realize it at the time. You strive to do better in a situation where you can never, ever win. You keep trying and trying to make your partner happy, always thinking you are the “crazy one”.

He made me fear other men. I had been raped before, and he knew that. He also pushed my boundaries, slowly, and he would ask me to help him write messages to other women he wanted to meet online. It sounds crazy, but with smaller and smaller pushes, and the right kind of manipulation, it doesn’t seem it. This whole time, I was getting straight A’s in college, and my family thought I was going to marry him. The pressure to stay with him, even after I realized it was wrong, was astronomical.”

8. Because they’re “a good guy”

“He would always tell me all these really mean things and I would believe and try to change myself just to please him. On the outside, he was a good man and a good father to his kids. He was so good to other people. But he needed to control me. A lot of the abuse was sexual shaming. Even when I walked away from him, I would end up telling myself I was over-reacting and go back. It took 2 years for me to finally break the cycle.”

9. You stay for the kids

“I stayed in an abusive relationship because of the kids. It was not because I thought it would be better staying as a family – I knew we would not – but because I was worried that the children would have to be alone with him for extended periods of time. He wasn’t physically abusive. It was all psychological. I was worried about what would happen if I was not there, or if he fought for custody and won. He had a high paying government job and I only had a degree.

I think I also hoped things would take a turn. Nobody wants to think their marriage has failed. Abusive people like this prey on and take advantage of a person’s existing vulnerabilities and insecurities. Once they are in your life, they try to manipulate every decision you make. You should be dependent on them.

I had threatened to leave once before when I found out I was pregnant the second time. He made promises which, of course, only lasted for so long. Once my kids were old enough – late teens and early twenties – I left and filed for divorce. It is been five and the battle still rages. He does not want to give me anything.

Two years ago, I didn’t even think I’d been abused. But I realize it now every time I hear his voice. I feel a sinking terror and helplessness whenever I have to answer a phone call from him, no matter how far away he is. He’s still stuck in my life.”