Often when we’re in a toxic relationship, we look at the other person to determine is this toxic or is it not. But I figured out a better way of figuring out if you’re in a toxic relationship. When we’re in a toxic relationship, we do certain things, we act certain ways, and we question ourselves about many things, and I figured out there are actually eight things that we do when we’re in a toxic relationship.
Today, I want to talk about toxic relationships. More importantly, and more specifically, I want to talk about the things that we do when we’re in a toxic relationship.
The things that we question ourselves about, the stuff that we internalize, because a lot of times we’re looking to the other person trying to figure out what’s going on, trying to be the private investigator, trying to figure out what’s really happening, what are they really doing, are they lying, are they not lying but this is actually going to be your gauge because you don’t have to wonder about what they’re doing anymore you can actually figure it out from what you’re doing.
Here are The 8 Thoughts, Actions, and Beliefs we have when in a Toxic Relationship.
1. You begin to question yourself.
The first thing that we find ourselves doing when we’re in toxic relationships, is we begin to question ourselves. The other person has told us that maybe we’re selfish, maybe they constantly tell us that we’re self-centered, maybe that we’re the problem in the relationship, maybe we need help, maybe we’re too loud and the list goes on.
Are you questioning yourself because of what your significant other has told you about yourself? Do you feel that you’re selfish? Do you wonder? Do you hear it more often than not from that person that you are being selfish, or you’re being overbearing, or you’re being self-centered? And you’ve begun to wonder, am I really that way? That’s one of the first indications to realize that maybe we are in a toxic relationship.
2. You apologize for everything.
The second indication that you may be in a toxic relationship is you find yourself apologizing for absolutely everything that goes wrong in the relationship, even things that don’t go wrong in the relationship. You even find yourself apologizing for the way that you’re acting, or apologizing for your responses, or even apologizing for the fact that you don’t feel good.
We find ourselves apologizing for things that are part of us, it’s part of our body, our makeup, how can we be apologizing for something like that? But is it because you’re in an environment where you feel like you can’t be yourself? Are you in an environment where you feel bad about expressing your feelings? And when you do express your feelings, do you get told that you’re being selfish, or overbearing, or too emotional, or that you wear your feelings on your sleeve, and so you say oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bring that up? This is another real indication that you may be in a toxic relationship.
3. You don’t feel good enough.
The third indication is that you just don’t feel good enough, you don’t feel like you’re solid enough. And a lot of times it goes back to the fact that your significant other is constantly questioning you about things that you do, choices you’ve made, and stuff that you’ve said. You begin to question your validity, was I right? Did I make the right choice, maybe that was wrong?
You begin to question everything you do, and you start finding yourself in a place where you can’t even make a decision without worrying if you’re making the wrong decision. This is a clear sign that something is up in the relationship because if you feel too scared to make a decision because you think you’re going to screw it, is it because you just feel that way internally, or is it because you’ve been told consistently that you make bad choices or you don’t find solid solutions? Something to think about.
4. You don’t know where you stand.
The fourth indication is that you just don’t even know where you stand in the relationship. It seems that the relationship is either hot or cold, good or bad. It seems that you’re either the best person on the planet or the worst person known to man. It seems that you either make the best decisions, you’re the best cook, or you’re a horrible cook, but there just doesn’t seem to be any gray area, any moderation, and this is really a distinguishing quality of a very tumultuous and possibly toxic Relationship.
5. The relationship is highly competitive.
The next indication is the relationship is really competitive in nature. It’s become extremely competitive.
Competition in itself is not bad, competition can be good but to be honest with you, when you’re in a romantic relationship with somebody, somebody that you’re thinking about even marrying, I don’t think competition is right in that place. I think that we see it on commercials where we see ads for athletic equipment, or tennis shoes, or athletic wear.
You see the couple like trying to out-compete each other, running, faster, stronger, better. It’s cute for a commercial, and it’s cute if you can put that and keep that in a box of we like to compete against each other when we’re running in the mornings before work, that’s good.
But when the relationship becomes competitive across the board like, who’s got the better job? Who makes more money? Who’s better looking? And you can start feeling that competition creeping in. This is no longer a healthy relationship.
There’s a reason why this competitive nature is coming into play. It’s because one person or both people feel insecure, and they’re trying to show the other person that they’re more valuable or better, and that’s where we need to really watch out. If the competition is just small where we race each other on bicycles once a month, that’s great, but really anything more than that, we really need to look at it because we might have a serious underlying problem.
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6. You find yourself in constant reaction mode.
You find yourself reacting to what they say, not responding but reacting on a constant basis. So instead of responding to what they’re saying, it’s almost like you’re always in reaction mode. You might always feel like you’re on the defensive, trying to defend yourself, defend what they’re asking of you, defending your nature, defending what you did, defending your choices, and that’s why a lot of times you might find yourself constantly in an emotional reaction.
When we emotionally react, usually we don’t say the right things. When we emotionally react is because we feel that somebody is trying to either assume something about us, or say something negative about us, or question us and question our validity. So this is definitely an indication as well that you may be in a toxic relationship.
7. It’s all about them.
The next indication is that you’re constantly thinking about them, you’re putting them first, it’s all about them. You’re thinking about their emotional well-being, how they feel, how they’re thinking, how their day is, and you give little or no thought to your own well-being.
You really come last in your own mind, and you’re trying to make sure that they’re okay, they’re fine. But the interesting kind of confusing dynamic is that you’ve been told that you’re selfish and self-centered, and so you don’t understand how this all collaborates. You sit there and you’re thinking about them all the time, doing things for them and going out of your way to try to support them, but you’re being called selfish, you’re like, maybe I need to do more, maybe I need to give more, maybe I need to think about myself less and put them first. Something to think about.
8. You’ve cut out friends and family.
The last indication that I want to talk about, specifically in this article, is that you’ve actually managed to cut a lot of your friends and maybe some of your family out. You’ve cut them out for multiple reasons but it’s because your significant other doesn’t get along with them. And it makes it tougher and tougher to hang out with these folks because your significant other find all the faults in every one of them.
And after you hang out with them, literally they drive home, are they telling you about how horrible this person is and how many problems they have, and how they can’t believe that you spend time with them, or you can’t believe that you’re related to them? And because you don’t want to deal with the drama and you don’t want to hear it, you just kind of just start floating away from these folks.
The other side of it is maybe some of these people might have actually said, I don’t really like your significant other, or they’re kind of rude, or they’re kind of mean, or when I call over there they don’t like they’re not really kind or nice or warm. They’re starting to ask you questions that you don’t have answers for, so you’re starting to avoid on both sides.
So this is a very big indication because a lot of times subconsciously when we’ve made a choice that’s not healthy for us, and we know that other people might bring it up, we try to avoid it. We also don’t know all the answers to the questions yet, and that’s why you’re reading this article.
And so if this article has helped you to understand a little more about your relationship, to put it more in perspective, this may be the wake-up call you need to begin to see the relationship as it is, to not question yourself as you have been and to begin to get out of that emotional blender and get some clarity in the relationship, but in a bigger picture getting clarity in your life.
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