Today, we are going to talk about the top 8 Sneaky Things Narcissists Do to Get You Back and how to deal with them.
When you end a toxic relationship with a narcissist, you probably think: it’s over, but very often the narcissist has other ideas. In fact, more often than not, the narcissist will do something to suck you back into their drama or even fully back into their relationship, using a technique we call hoovering. So what is hoovering?
Hoovering, of course, named after the famous vacuum cleaner company. It is what we call it when the narcissist tries to suck you back in after you’ve left them or ended the relationship, or after they’ve discarded you. They might use some kind of personal problem, or even a dramatic issue to pull you back in, or maybe they’ll use love bombing.
Hoovering is always an attempt to obtain more narcissistic supply from you. And in many cases, it can be an attempt to reconcile the relationship. It can also just be a form of manipulation that they use to get you to break no contact.
So what are the signs of a hoovering narcissist? Well, the first thing you need to remember here is that there is no level to which a narcissist will not stop. Nothing is off-limits for them.
Here are the sneaky things narcissists do to get you back, how to recognize them, and what to do if it happens to you.
1. Saying “YES” to what you want.
Finally, saying that one thing you’ve been dying to hear. Yeah, narcissists are infamous for holding things over your head and for feeling justified in not giving you what you want, and what you need in a relationship.
For example, if you were dating a narcissist for 10 years and you just wanted them to pop the question or whatever, they might hoover you back in with a diamond ring in a proposal if that’s why you left. Or, if you were married to the narcissist and you always wanted a baby, suddenly they got parental feelings. They might try to hover you back in with an offer to have a baby with you.
2. Future-faking you.
They are known for their future faking ways where they promise you this amazing life together and never follow through with it. Many narcissists will use future faking as a way to suck you back in. They will promise you the world. Maybe they promise to buy you a house, or maybe they promise to finally go to couples counseling with you or to really stop cheating on you this time.
Most often, they fail to deliver, but they use future faking in order to get you back into their clutches and back into that relationship.
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3. Getting you involved in their drama.
As someone who has struggled with co-dependency, you’re especially susceptible to helping people in need, that couldn’t be more true for someone you love or have loved. So a narcissist might come to you with some big problem or issue in their lives that they need your help with.
This could be something as serious as the death of a loved one that they just can’t make it through without your support, or something as simple as an argument with a friend or a co-worker. One example I gave earlier is that client that I mentioned whose ex tried to hoover her back in by bringing his sick dog to her house and asking her to help take care of him. As I said, there are no limits for narcissists.
4. The accidental ‘ butt-dial ‘ or ‘ Oopsie text ‘.
This is when they accidentally call you or accidentally sent you a message meant for someone else. It’s a sneaky one. They will often accidentally call your phone or text you something random at mysterious times so that you’re enticed to call or text back or ask what they need. What they meant by that text, or why they called in the first place.
Then, of course, they’re going to pretend it was an accident or that they meant to call or text someone else. And before you know it, what’s gonna happen, you’re in a full-on conversation during which the narcissist will try to pull you back into that circle of supply on some level.
5. Declaration of undying love.
Swearing they can’t live without you. Once the narcissist recognizes that you have truly moved on, a lot of them will use a resounding declaration of love. They’ll claim they can’t live without you. They’ll say they’re your soul mate or you’re theirs. And they’ll even pretend to admit their own flaws and faults in order to get you to fall for it. This will effectively begin an entirely new period of love bombing. All designed to suck you back into the relationship.
6. The flying monkey crew.
Engaging flying monkeys to do their dirty work. Yeah, narcissists always have a crew of flying monkeys on hand. These are people that are happy to do their bidding for Them. This may include flying monkeys who are willing to help them manipulate you without remorse. And it might also include some unwilling flying monkeys as well-meaning people who really care about you but who fall for the narcissist’s lies. And even though they’re really trying to help you, they’re still messing with your life.
Narcissists will send them your way with worries and concerns about your or the narcissist’s well-being. All designed to get you to communicate directly with the narcissist or indirectly through the flying monkey. And ultimately to manipulate you with drama.
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7. The Sudden breakthrough.
Suddenly recognizing the error of their ways. In a last-ditch effort to get you back into the relationship, some narcissists will come to you in tears. They’ll tell you they’re a terrible person, even admitting everything they did wrong, which is often done by just parroting back exactly what you’ve been trying to tell them for the entirety of your relationship. They’ll say things like I know I don’t treat you right and you really do deserve better than me in order to soften you up and pull you back in.
8. Scaring you back into the relationship.
Using fear and intimidation to bully you. Some narcissists are even gonna go so far as to try to scare you back into the Relationship. They might also use guilt or blame-shifting to force you back in. And bullying is a very common manipulation tactic for most narcissists.
The next question on the minds of nearly any narcissistic abuse survivor is, at this point, usually, how can I avoid the hoover?
Here are a few of the most important things you can do.
1. Remember that knowledge is power
Simply, be aware of the fact that the narcissist might try to hoover you, and become familiar with the signs of hoovering. That’s what you’re doing right now. That in itself can be enough to help you avoid falling for it. Knowledge is power.
2. Use the grey rock method for the win
Don’t show any emotion, and only talk to the narcissist if you must about what you must. If you have no shared children or no shared business, you can absolutely go completely no contact.
3. Cut all communication
If possible, completely eliminate their ability to contact you. Change your phone number. Block them on social media, and don’t answer the door if they come to a call in. Focus on yourself for once. Take the time you need to do self-care to do that redecorating project you’ve been meaning to do or even to just do more nice stuff for yourself. You deserve it, and it’ll help you distract yourself from the narcissist hoovering attempts if nothing else.
4. Get by with w little help from your friends
Reconnect with your old friends and make some new ones in the process. While you absolutely should not jump into any romantic relationships too soon after ending one with a narcissist because obviously, you should heal first, It’s a great idea to dive into your friendships since most likely you’ve lost touch with your old friends as a result of the narcissist isolating you during the relationship. What better way could there be to celebrate the end of it.
Reach out to your old friends and consider making new ones by getting involved in a group of like-minded people. Maybe that means taking a class, or going to church, or synagogue, or joining a local club. You can also look at sites like meetup.com to find groups of local people with similar interests.
Those were the top 8 Sneaky Things Narcissists Do to Get You Back. Please, do not forget to share this article with your friends and family.
Related: Things Narcissists Do When You Go No Contact
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